How one parent keeps hope alive

Ann Hovey (right) with daughter Cai.

By Ann Hovey

In 2005, my kids and I lived at Holland Bloorview for four months while my daughter Cai did rehab after surgeries to remove a brainstem tumour. Cai, then 3, needed intensive therapy to relearn how to walk, crawl, use her left arm and speak. 

Post-Bloorview, Cai’s journey included over six years of weekly chemotherapy with too many hospitalizations to count for fevers and infections; two eye surgeries; five foot and ankle surgeries; and thousands of hours of therapy and appointments. 

Cai is now 23, but early in our journey to finding a much-needed solution, we were told that she had one year to live. Suffice it to say, our capacity to cope has been well and truly tested. 

Shortly after arriving at Bloorview, I was approached by some parents who wanted to know what I had done to get my child to the specialist in New York who saved her life. I shared the story of how our specialist was found, but I also felt great sadness for these caregivers. Each child’s journey is different, and our solution was unlikely to be what their child needed. I came away from these interactions wishing I could help parents and caregivers advocate. 

Last year I published a book called Going for Hope: Strategies That Make it Possible to Persevere. 

Over the years I recognized that my biggest contribution to Cai’s health-care journey was hopeful perseverance. In my book, I share the specific strategies I used to help me face and move through some of our most difficult moments. In each situation, the use of a strategy moved me away from fear and anxiety and towards positive action. 

In hindsight, I’ve come to appreciate how these same strategies positively impacted my ability to partner with health professionals and advocate for my daughter. To partner with someone effectively, you must feel like you can add value to a situation—you must hope that your action can make a difference. 

So, the key was to get myself into a hopeful frame of mind. This was often easier said than done as I sincerely struggled, on many occasions, with fear and anxiety. 

Also, finding hope in one situation didn’t necessarily guarantee my capacity to get to this state in another. In fact, my hopefulness had a way of evaporating when I faced a new adversity. 

Nurturing hope is no small feat. Especially when we feel helpless to make things better for our loved one. Here are some of the strategies that I used frequently.

Modified breathing

The first strategy is my modified breathing routine. This is what I do: 

1. Breathe in for a count of four; 

2. Hold for a count of four; 

3. Release for as many counts as it takes. As I release, I say “thank you” for something in my life—a blessing like a loved one, a strength, or an opportunity. 

4. Repeat steps 1 through 3 as many times as it takes to calm the fear and to achieve a mindset where I’m able to remember the blessings in my life. 

Often I’ve struggled to complete the first round because I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t come up with one thing for which I’m grateful. 

So I choose to start the process with being thankful for my strength. The first time I say this, I might just be going through the motions, but it has never taken me more than a handful of rounds to achieve an improved state of mind. And the best outcome of this whole process is that I ALWAYS end up in a more hopeful state of mind. 

This is also the strategy that I’m most likely to employ in the middle of the night. My darkest thoughts tend to happen in the wee hours of the morning, and this strategy has always enabled me to fall back to asleep.  

When fear for my child’s health and wellbeing overtakes my thoughts, embracing this strategy always has a very positive impact. Either my mind is calm enough to fall asleep, or I’m able to turn my thoughts to constructive action that I can take to best contribute to the situation. The bottom line is that it’s impossible for me to hold fear and thoughts of blessings in the same headspace. The blessings take over and I’m more hopeful. 

The 5 x 5 rule

A second strategy that I use frequently helps me reset my thoughts. I refer to it as the 5 x 5 rule. I read about it several years into our journey at a time when I really needed it. 

The way I interpreted the rule was that I shouldn’t worry for more than five minutes today about something that won’t matter in five years. 

There have been many times in my life that I have been consumed by a fear, concern or worry. Every time I remembered to apply this rule, I experienced a fundamental shift in my perspective. In the situations where I could clearly acknowledge that the issue bothering me wouldn’t matter in five years, I had significant success releasing my fear or concern. For those situations where the issue could very well matter in five years, I could often turn my thoughts to “Well, what can I do about it in this moment?” 

The success of this strategy is obviously dependent on my use of it. When I have used it, my fear, concern or worry often subsides, and I’m turned towards a more hopeful and productive mindset. 

Self-care

The third strategy I’d like to share is active self-care. Go for a long walk; talk to a dear friend or family member; watch a comedy; or do some yoga or meditation. The important thing is to do these activities purposefully, with the intention of investing in your health and wellbeing. 

I didn’t use this strategy as often as the first two. Either I was too tired, or I didn’t prioritize myself. The days when it would have been most helpful to my health and wellbeing were the days that were our most difficult. It felt easy to justify, to myself at least, why I wasn’t releasing some of my stress with a long walk. I’m sure every caregiver can relate to this.

If I had known how my own health could suffer, I would have made self-care more of a priority. Today my wellbeing is a significantly higher priority.

“Go for hope” is my mantra. It has been like a battle cry for me in some of my darkest moments. Hope is so much more than a four-letter word to me—it is the single most powerful fuel for my positive action. May you find the strategies that you need to navigate the adversities in your life!

Ann Hovey with Cai (left) and daughter Lauryn (right). Check out Ann's website or her new book. Like this content? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow BLOOM editor @LouiseKinross on X, or @louisekinross.bsky.social on Bluesky, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.